A few years ago, a publisher sued to have The Lord of the Rings declared a public-domain work, because of the Houghton Mifflin/Ace matter. They failed; of course, they were a small group, without resources to hire big-name lawyers, pick a suitable site (Alabama, say), or get the influence of prominent politicians whose books they publish.
Let us suppose (von Däniken mode ON!) that a bigger publisher did this. A bigger publisher, which in addition has acquired the habit of taking the concept of “editing” far beyond its heretofore established limits. Now we enter . . . . . .
THE REVISED LORD OF THE RINGS by J. R. R. Tolkien (with Jerry Pournelle, Eric Flint, S. M. Stirling, John Ringo, David Weber, William R. Forstchen, David Drake, John F. Carr, Roland Green . . .
Our story begins with Captain Belisarius “Rick” Hammer of the 227th Imperial Mercenary Unit. Captain Hammer is a stunningly able and valiant commander, whose values have never been recognized due to the fact that in every situation, he is placed under an incompetent commander who, after Rick has won the battle, takes all the credit and has Rick reassigned to another no-win situation. Oh yes, he is also a student of ancient military history.
Rick is the only surviving officer in the Unit, which is several hundred strong. He is, therefore, working with the senior noncom of the Unit, Sergeant Teri Testosterina. Double-T is 199 cm tall, ample-figured, has her red hair in a long braid, and can whip any man in the Unit. She thinks herself homely, and has had many lovers die in her arms on a stricken battlefield.
In the ranks of the Unit are such highly skilled sorts as “Prof”, a cutting-edge physicist who got tired of university politics (damned liberals) and went merc; “Hog Jowl”, a 220 cm, 220 kg mass of muscle; Wang Lo, martial arts master of Kombo, the ancient martial art that enables a man to flick aside an artillery shell, slide between the spaces in a wall’s atoms, live underwater for up to a month, and swordfight on wires between trees; Nick ha-Bibulah, the armorer who alone among the Imperials speaks with a funny accent but can make an air car with two pieces of wire and a broken pliers; and many other people of technical resource, which makes the Imperial tactics of 90%-casualty frontal assaults seem just a bit wasteful.
The 227th is on passage from one such disaster to another when IT happens. The ship falls through a warp in trans-sidereal space and begins to break down. Captain Rick gives the order and with the survival equipment and arms, the Unit bails out to land on this convenient nearby planet.
While rallying after landing, they are approached by a man astride an animal. After some confrontation, they manage to establish communications and are escorted to the home of the King, one Theoden, who is in desperate straits.
Rick immediately mobilizes his forces. He begins training the Rohannese in the advanced ancient tactics combining the best of the ancient Romans, English, Chinese, Incas, Cherokee, and Suevi, promoting all his men and women to officers of the new model army. He also falls in love with the king’s beautiful niece, a warrior woman equal in grace and competence to the legendary Xena, Rylla, Ash, etc.
The king’s lead advisor informs Rick of a conveniently available industrial plant, and after some negotiations (involving the arrest of several wandering strangers who intruded into the Security Zone) the owner of this facility, one Saurman, accepts the leadership of the Grand Commander Rick.
The reorganized and rearmed army of the Domain has to deal with a threat from one Sauron, a hostile and malevolent ruler to the east. Marching eastward to join with the old allies of the kingdom, the new model army begins rallying and reorganizing, including sending patrols into the No Man’s Land with Sauron’s domain to recover a powerful artifact, using the newly-developed airships.
In the climatic final battle, Sauron and his top nine aides confront Rick and the new model army amidst the ruins of the allied capital Minas Tirith. “Prof” and Nick work together to hot-wire the recovered artifact into a powerful weapon, using an obscure variant of Asimov’s Principle, and the burst of energy generated slays Sauron and all his aides. Teri’s latest lover, the king’s nephew Eomer, dies in her arms, Rick marries Princess Eowyn and proclaims himself Emperor, and all is well.
In the second trilogy, Morgoth, the superior of Sauron, emerges from his stronghold in the north. The Empire has developed a technological and industrial base sufficient to arm the new model army with flintlock muskets, but Morgoth has a bigger and badder army. They swarm south and engulf the Empire, bringing ruin and devastation. Finally, in the ruins of Minas Tirith, the survivors confront Morgoth and his top aides in one final climatic battle, where the newly-produced Whitworth rifles enable the Empire to pull off a victory. The prince Faramir, Teri’s latest lover, dies in her arms. Rick annexes the mountains and forests of the north to the Empire.
In the third trilogy, Melko, the boss of Morgoth, emerges from his stronghold in the south. The Empire has developed a technological and industrial base sufficient to arm the new model army with rifled muskets, but Melko has an even bigger and badder army. They swarm north and engulf the Empire, bringing ruin and devastation. Finally in the ruins of Minas Tirith, the survivors confront Melko and his top aides in one final climatic battle, where the newly-formed Shaolin Kung Fu Fight Corps of martial artists enables the Empire to pull off a victory. The former Ranger Strider, Teri’s latest lover, dies in her arms. Rick annexes the harbors and fields of the south to the Empire.
In the fourth trilogy, Tauron, the son of Sauron, emerges from his stronghold in the far east. The Empire has developed a technological and industrial base sufficient to arm the new model army with machine guns, but Tauron has an even more bigger and badder army. They swarm west and engulf the Empire, bringing ruin and devastation. Finally in the ruins of Minas Tirith, the survivors confront Tauron and his top aides in one final climatic battle, where the newly developed nuclear weapon (based on a description in a novel found in one soldier’s reading unit memory bank) enables the Empire to pull off a victory. Chief Industrialist Saruman, Teri’s latest lover, dies in her arms. Rick annexes the plains of the far east to the Empire.
In the fifth trilogy . . . but I think you have the idea by now.
Let us suppose (von Däniken mode ON!) that a bigger publisher did this. A bigger publisher, which in addition has acquired the habit of taking the concept of “editing” far beyond its heretofore established limits. Now we enter . . . . . .
THE REVISED LORD OF THE RINGS by J. R. R. Tolkien (with Jerry Pournelle, Eric Flint, S. M. Stirling, John Ringo, David Weber, William R. Forstchen, David Drake, John F. Carr, Roland Green . . .
Our story begins with Captain Belisarius “Rick” Hammer of the 227th Imperial Mercenary Unit. Captain Hammer is a stunningly able and valiant commander, whose values have never been recognized due to the fact that in every situation, he is placed under an incompetent commander who, after Rick has won the battle, takes all the credit and has Rick reassigned to another no-win situation. Oh yes, he is also a student of ancient military history.
Rick is the only surviving officer in the Unit, which is several hundred strong. He is, therefore, working with the senior noncom of the Unit, Sergeant Teri Testosterina. Double-T is 199 cm tall, ample-figured, has her red hair in a long braid, and can whip any man in the Unit. She thinks herself homely, and has had many lovers die in her arms on a stricken battlefield.
In the ranks of the Unit are such highly skilled sorts as “Prof”, a cutting-edge physicist who got tired of university politics (damned liberals) and went merc; “Hog Jowl”, a 220 cm, 220 kg mass of muscle; Wang Lo, martial arts master of Kombo, the ancient martial art that enables a man to flick aside an artillery shell, slide between the spaces in a wall’s atoms, live underwater for up to a month, and swordfight on wires between trees; Nick ha-Bibulah, the armorer who alone among the Imperials speaks with a funny accent but can make an air car with two pieces of wire and a broken pliers; and many other people of technical resource, which makes the Imperial tactics of 90%-casualty frontal assaults seem just a bit wasteful.
The 227th is on passage from one such disaster to another when IT happens. The ship falls through a warp in trans-sidereal space and begins to break down. Captain Rick gives the order and with the survival equipment and arms, the Unit bails out to land on this convenient nearby planet.
While rallying after landing, they are approached by a man astride an animal. After some confrontation, they manage to establish communications and are escorted to the home of the King, one Theoden, who is in desperate straits.
Rick immediately mobilizes his forces. He begins training the Rohannese in the advanced ancient tactics combining the best of the ancient Romans, English, Chinese, Incas, Cherokee, and Suevi, promoting all his men and women to officers of the new model army. He also falls in love with the king’s beautiful niece, a warrior woman equal in grace and competence to the legendary Xena, Rylla, Ash, etc.
The king’s lead advisor informs Rick of a conveniently available industrial plant, and after some negotiations (involving the arrest of several wandering strangers who intruded into the Security Zone) the owner of this facility, one Saurman, accepts the leadership of the Grand Commander Rick.
The reorganized and rearmed army of the Domain has to deal with a threat from one Sauron, a hostile and malevolent ruler to the east. Marching eastward to join with the old allies of the kingdom, the new model army begins rallying and reorganizing, including sending patrols into the No Man’s Land with Sauron’s domain to recover a powerful artifact, using the newly-developed airships.
In the climatic final battle, Sauron and his top nine aides confront Rick and the new model army amidst the ruins of the allied capital Minas Tirith. “Prof” and Nick work together to hot-wire the recovered artifact into a powerful weapon, using an obscure variant of Asimov’s Principle, and the burst of energy generated slays Sauron and all his aides. Teri’s latest lover, the king’s nephew Eomer, dies in her arms, Rick marries Princess Eowyn and proclaims himself Emperor, and all is well.
In the second trilogy, Morgoth, the superior of Sauron, emerges from his stronghold in the north. The Empire has developed a technological and industrial base sufficient to arm the new model army with flintlock muskets, but Morgoth has a bigger and badder army. They swarm south and engulf the Empire, bringing ruin and devastation. Finally, in the ruins of Minas Tirith, the survivors confront Morgoth and his top aides in one final climatic battle, where the newly-produced Whitworth rifles enable the Empire to pull off a victory. The prince Faramir, Teri’s latest lover, dies in her arms. Rick annexes the mountains and forests of the north to the Empire.
In the third trilogy, Melko, the boss of Morgoth, emerges from his stronghold in the south. The Empire has developed a technological and industrial base sufficient to arm the new model army with rifled muskets, but Melko has an even bigger and badder army. They swarm north and engulf the Empire, bringing ruin and devastation. Finally in the ruins of Minas Tirith, the survivors confront Melko and his top aides in one final climatic battle, where the newly-formed Shaolin Kung Fu Fight Corps of martial artists enables the Empire to pull off a victory. The former Ranger Strider, Teri’s latest lover, dies in her arms. Rick annexes the harbors and fields of the south to the Empire.
In the fourth trilogy, Tauron, the son of Sauron, emerges from his stronghold in the far east. The Empire has developed a technological and industrial base sufficient to arm the new model army with machine guns, but Tauron has an even more bigger and badder army. They swarm west and engulf the Empire, bringing ruin and devastation. Finally in the ruins of Minas Tirith, the survivors confront Tauron and his top aides in one final climatic battle, where the newly developed nuclear weapon (based on a description in a novel found in one soldier’s reading unit memory bank) enables the Empire to pull off a victory. Chief Industrialist Saruman, Teri’s latest lover, dies in her arms. Rick annexes the plains of the far east to the Empire.
In the fifth trilogy . . . but I think you have the idea by now.
